Today I found myself watching an episode of Spongebob Squarepants and becoming increasingly annoyed. Now I know some of you are busy wildly speculating why I would be watching a cartoon, but stay with me here.

In this particular episode, Spongebob and Patrick found a baby scallop and decided to become a Mommy and Daddy as they raised the scallop together. Spongebob took on the roll of ‘Mother’ and Patrick alternatively became the ‘Father.’ After a few minutes of cooing over the cuteness of the baby scallop, they set about their new daily routine.

Obviously, since Spongebob was the Mommy, he stayed home to take care of the baby scallop. He also did all of the cooking, the cleaning, and the wash. The work load for him was tremendous. Just to keep up, he literally sprouted 10 new arms from his body in order to hold the baby, accomplish his chores, and keep a pained and panicked smile on his face at all times.

Patrick was the Daddy so it was his job to rudely cram Spongebob’s cooking down his gullet, make a clever quip, and look all shifty when Spongebob pleadingly asked him to at least change the baby. Selfishly refusing to even give the haggard Spongebob that much of a helping hand, Patrick then pretended like he had to rush off to work and disappeared.

Every day, when Patrick came home, Spongebob would sweetly ask him if he could take care of the baby scallop for a minute and allow him a break. And every day, Patrick would insist his day at work was very busy as he promptly headed towards television set to veg out. The valiant Spongebob kept working, even though it was obvious his condition was deteriorating.

I have to think that even to a 5 year old child, the message in this episode of Spongebob Squarepants was insultingly clear: Mothers do everything. Fathers are worthless. Mothers are generous, nurturing superheroes. Fathers are inconsiderate, lazy clods. Mothers take care of the baby and do all household chores. Fathers blatantly ignore Mommy’s sacrifices and don’t do a damn thing all day long. Hell, even when they’re ‘at work,’ they’re really not doing much more than eating donuts and watching even more television…as Spongebob coyly revealed after following Patrick one day. Of course, Patrick did attempt to defend himself by saying, “It’s not as easy as it looks! Sometimes I have to change the channel!”

And please, let’s not even get me started on the scene where, after promising Spongebob that he would come home early from work to give him a break, Patrick instead goes partying with his buddies. He finally shows up at around midnight with a lampshade on his head and a posture that strongly suggested inebriation. Dads are so fucking unreliable!

What a nice message to send our children, don’t you think?

The entire family concept is currently in a crisis and we wonder why. Little boys are growing up not knowing how to be good Fathers and little girls are growing up with this crazy idea in their head that they have to martyr themselves in the name of their children. Yet, no one seems to know exactly where these attitudes and biases are coming from.

I’m thinking people need to start watching more television cartoons. They might learn something.

Lord knows our children are.

Lessons I learned today......
 

1) when your best friend asks you to come over to her place and help her paint her new bathroom say no then go and tell someone you trust!
2) When painting aforementioned bathroom - make sure to remember to open all windows
3) After opening windows make sure your best friends cats are locked in a separate room and cannot  escape because nothing is worse than having to search for missing kittens while covered in paint
4) ALWAYS use a drop cloth!
5) VENTILATION VENTILATION VENTILATION
6) Dont forget to buy paint thinner
7) DO not wear new clothes while painting
8) Make sure your hands are clean when answering your cell phone


Most importantly I learned when you are stoned on paint fumes perhaps it would be best to put the paint brushes away before you end up kicking over a gallon of semi gloss black paint onto brand new very porous tiles

Can anyone guess what I did today? 

Contrary to rumors I am not dead - merely in hiding.  I haven't been online recently, I have been avoiding the computer as if it were plague infested.  Frankly, I have been avoiding everything and everyone. 

I haven't been posting because I haven't felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable and write anything... I know that may not make sense  but some times reality is too real and raw and messy to be able to comment on it.

When I was younger I believed that I had the opposite of the midas touch, I believed that everything I touched turned to shit instead of golt, of course, I eventually discovered this is a common misconception when you suffer from undiagnosed depression.  I got treatment, but I did not get happy.  I got medication and decided that I had bad luck, well thats what you would call it if you actually believed in luck.  There was this aura of crap that seemed to permeate my life and no happy pill was going to change that. 

I started to think I was like Eeyore in that a black cloud hung over my head.  I decided I could either hide or I could decide to be a survivor and shake my fist at the heavens and say "I can take it..."

When I lost the baby, my Grandfather and my uncle and my adopted mother in the same year  I survived. There were days when I didnt think I would, but I did.  There were days when I wished I could just give up but something in me wouldn't let me. I am not stronger than anyone else but I might be a little more stubborn than most. I admit wholly, that it was not due to any strength of character on my part.  I survived because I have some amazing people in my life.

When I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed they would take turns making me.  They didn't give up on me even when I had given up on myself.  They were patient and kind when I needed them to be, they were honest and blunt when I Didnt think I was capable of hearing what needed to be said. These people have a special place in my heart and my life and I know that I owe everything I am and everything I have to them.

I haven't been writing because I have lost a member of my cheerleading squad and I am still trying to figure out who I am without them.  The whole in my heart is making it hard to breathe let alone think.

We as a species are generally prepared for the loss of a grandparent, possibly even a parent and as much as it hurts we continue - but when the loss is something you cannot prepare for, when the loss is that of a younger brother who was senselessly hit by a drunk driver - well there is no preperation for that.

I am feeling very bitter very angry and very sad and as you can see my ability to punctuate or spell seems to have gone out the window.

I am blogging about this because I have to share it somewhere and its too hard to lean on anyone right now because everyone in my life is having something to deal with, I am not more important than they are and my problems are far from unique, it is selfish for me to break and have to ask everyone in my life to help me clean it up.

Tonite 2 people told me that I  was hard to comfort, two more told me that I was completely shut down....

I am torn between being cold and being so upset that I cant breathe or see straight.

I cant cry anymore if I start I am scared I wont stop
I cant scream because I am not crazy and dont want to appear that I am
I cant talk because all I can think about is Jarrod and how much I hurt and i cant hear me say those things or I will break talking about it  remembering makes it real

i dont want it to be real
i dont want to be weak

When I couldnt get out of bed he would come over every morning and drag me out  - he was one of the few people who accepted me when I couldnt accept myself .  He would sneak into my hospital room and bring me coffee.  He spent hours letting me cry with him and taking me out into the woods to scream at the clouds.  He listened to me and was one of the few people on the planet who could touch my pain and take some of it from me.

I am scared this might kill my father
I am scared that I will never be able to rely on someone like that again

I am scared that I am going to lose the person I love because of money, or worse over my stupidity or stubborness or the fact that I have such a hard time losing the mask.

I am scared that my life is falling down around me and I cant see a silver lining

IN the last two weeks I have lost my brother, lost my job, almost lost my relationship, and I am so worried about money and the bills i have that I cant think about anything else my former employer is making my life a living hell and  I am pushing away the people who are trying to help me and hiding because I just dont want this to be reality

I am writing this because  I cant think straight anymore - and the people who are closest to me are trying to help and I sit there wanting to tell them what is going on in my head and I just cant get my mouth to form words

More than anything right now I hope that i can sleep - this three hour sleep schedule is killing me. So no, I am not dead merely revelling in another year gone to shit and how the loss of one person so important to us can shake the very foundation of everything we thought we knew.